Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bryana Ramirez-Macias
PAS 113B
February 20, 2012
Professor Broadous
                                                 The Last Chance To Escape

In a small town of San Fernando Valley lived a girl named Alex. She had light skin, light brown eyes, good jaw structure and brunette hair. Her height was above average, 5`7 to be exact. Alex came from a Mexican background but was born and raised in San Fernando, California. She was 18 years old and lived at home with her mother and father. Alex was the oldest, she had a fourteen year old brother named Adrian and an eight year old sister named Natalie. Alex attended the Art Institute of Los Angeles. She loved to draw, especially when it came to self-portraits. Alex would portray people that she found unique and with interesting features. She started drawing at the age of seven and has kept that hobby ever since. By the seventh grade, she found an appreciation for music. She started off playing the violin in orchestra. Alex had an uncle that would visit frequently and would bring along his guitar. He would always join his family for dinner and afterward he would entertain the family by playing his guitar. One day when her uncle left with her father to pick up a few things for the house, Alex picked up the guitar. She didn`t exactly know any of the chords, but she tried to remember her uncles fingering. She liked the way it felt and enjoyed the sound that would come out of every strum. The next day, she decided to ask her music teacher for help. He wrote down the chords for her and told her to practice them for homework. After school she rushed home to her uncle`s guitar. She locked herself in her room and practiced all night, until her parents made her stop to eat dinner. She continued to practice little assignments her teacher would assign her for two weeks straight. Her uncle was amazed at how quickly she learned to play, even though it was simple chords. He decided to surprise her and bought her a guitar of her own. But the same day that he bought it, he had to go back to Mexico and take care of his family. So he left the guitar by her bed and wrote her a note. When she came home from school, she asked where her uncle was because she wanted to show him something she learned on her own. Her parents told her that he had to go back home for personal reasons. Alex was a little upset that her favorite uncle did not  say goodbye. Since she didn’t have her uncle`s guitar she couldn’t practice. She decided to go to her room and just lay down for a bit. When she opened her door, she noticed the guitar by her bed. She slowly walked over and picked up the note her uncle left behind. She read out loud the words her uncle left her with, “Never stop playing.” So she picked up her guitar and did exactly what her uncle told her to do. They say practice makes perfect. For Alex, that was all true. She played that guitar every day and each time she played, she would put all her emotions into it. So when she played, you could feel exactly what Alex wanted you to. Over the years she developed a skill that not many people could acquire. Alex had learned to play by ear. She could listen to any song that had an acoustic guitar in it and play it on the spot. It would take a little bit of patience but Alex would perfect every note with a great amount of passion. No matter what, Alex never stopped playing, even throughout high school. When she entered her senior year, she decided to pick art as her career choice. She had this fantasy where she would own a studio and make it into an art gallery of self-portraits. She had this idea where she could put on live shows of her playing her guitar and getting people to truly appreciate the meaning of art. Alex was a true musician at heart, but she didn’t know anyone that played any instruments. Therefore, she could never really relate to any of her friends or even talk about music without anyone really understanding what she meant. It was always just jiberish to her friends, so in a way Alex felt like she was alone. One day, Alex decided to stay after school for tutoring. As she passed by the music room, she stopped. She stood there for a few seconds and then closed her eyes. She listened to the beautiful melody that ran through her. She never heard anything like it. She opened the door and looked around. She followed the beautiful sound and noticed a girl sitting by the grand master piano. The girl stopped playing, she turned around and noticed Alex. She smiled and waved her over to the piano. Alex walked over to the mysterious girl and sat on the bench next to her. Alex had never seen this girl before. Alex asked for the name of that song she just played. The mysterious girl smiled and said “Beautiful Dreamer.” Then Alex asked for her name, but the girl continued to play the piano. Alex sat there and watched as her hands would gently hit tap every note so graciously. The girl stopped, stood up and said, “My name is Michelle, I am a band geek.” Michelle was a senior just like Alex. She had light brown eyes, light skin, she was 5`7 and had crazy hair. Michelle was in marching band, she played about six different instruments. To Alex that was something amazing. Michelle and Alex connected right on the spot. When Alex got home, she felt happy because she gained a best friend. She finally found a friend that she had been searching for. The next day Alex brought her guitar to school and met Michelle in the band room. Every day after school, the two musicians would play music together. They would both plan what songs to play and practice so that they could be synced in together. One day at lunch, Michelle told Alex that they could no longer practice in the music room because marching band had to practice for their upcoming concerts. Alex didn’t know what to say because playing music was the only thing that kept her going every day. Then Michelle told Alex that they could practice at her house instead so that their partnership in music didn’t have to end. Alex liked the idea and agreed to walk home with Michelle every day after school. They decided to start that very same day. Michelle came from a broken home. She had no father but had a mother that worked all day and all night as a nurse. Her mother would take extra shifts just so she could put a roof over their heads. Michelle was an only child but she filled all that emptiness with her music. She didn’t exactly live in one of the best neighborhoods as well. Even though Michelle wasn’t exactly in the range of middle class like Alex, she felt as though she wasn’t missing anything. She was happy with what she had and always made the best of it. Michelle took Alex straight to her room so they can begin practicing. She had a keyboard of her own but it was missing some keys, but Michelle managed to improvise. At that moment, Alex understood why Michelle would stay after school to practice in the music room. They continued this routine every day for the next two months. Graduation was three months away and with all the stress that was put onto the seniors, Alex and Michelle managed to stay calm. Music was their only way out. Alex shared with Michelle the plans she had for college and her dream studio. Michelle had a similar goal to that, she planned to attend a performing arts college that was also in Los Angeles. She wanted to be a pianist and play classical music at a fancy restaurant and entertain the public. Alex then came up with a great idea. She asked Michelle if she wanted to help open her art gallery with her and perform classical music for all the art shows. Michelle liked the idea so much that a tear rolled down her cheek. She took Alex`s hand and said they were partners in this. One day after school Alex walked with Michelle to her house as usual. They were about a block away from her house. Alex was talking about the type of designs she had in mind for the studio when they heard a loud bang. They stopped dead in their tracks and tried to listen for any more noise. Suddenly, a couple of teens around ran right past the two of them. The teens had a look of terror in their eyes. Then a strange man that was wearing all black started walking towards Alex and Michelle. He then stopped ten feet away from them and lifted his arm. It took them a few seconds to realize that he was pointing a gun at them. Alex froze, she felt as though she couldn’t move. She stood there with her guitar case in her left hand, and with her right hand she took Michelle`s hand. The man stepped closer towards them and as he did this, Alex closed her eyes. She heard a bang, but at that same time she felt someone push her down. When she opened her eyes to find herself laying on her guitar case in the middle of the street. She was confused with what just happened and thought that she tripped and blacked out. She was so sure that she imagined it all. When she turned back towards the sidewalk to tell Michelle of the crazy vision she had, she couldn’t find her. She slowly walked to the sidewalk and noticed a puddle of water making its way into the sewer. Her heart sank when she realized that the water was red. She took three more steps and there she saw Michelle laying on the floor. Alex dropped to her knees beside Michelle and picked her up into her arms. Alex let the tears fall onto Michelle`s cheeks as Michelle struggled to hold on. Shortly after, Alex was surrounded by the whole neighborhood. They gathered around them two, no one had anything to say. Alex felt something wet against her cheek. It was Michelle, she grabbed Alex so she could get her attention for the last time. Michelle stared deep into Alex`s eyes, she smiled and said those three words that Alex lived for every day. “Never stop playing.” Michelle let go of her cheek, turned her head slowly to the side and closed her eyes. Alex felt broken inside, she felt as though a piece of her died inside. She didn’t let go of Michelle until the paramedics arrived and removed her away from Michelle`s limp body. She watched as they lifted Michelle and covered her up with a white sheet. A police officer gave Alex a ride home and assured her that they would find whoever caused this. As soon as she got home, she opened her front door and dropped everything on the floor. She ran to her room and locked the door. She didn’t bother turning on the lights. The police officer informed her parents of what happened. They tried to get Alex to open the door but she didn’t want to move. Her parents gave her space and let her be. She laid there in bed feeling angry and broken. Michelle had saved her life, and in a low voice Alex kept repeating “it should have been me.” She eventually fell asleep, and at first her dreams were blank. But then she found herself in the music room where she first met Michelle. She heard a melody that was familiar to her. She turned towards the piano and saw Michelle sitting down playing Beautiful Dreamer. Alex closed her eyes and took in every note. The music stopped and Alex opened her eyes. Michelle was staring at Alex with a big smile. She then said those final words that Alex heard before. “Never stop playing.” Alex woke up and knew what she had to do. She would do whatever it took to fulfill the dream that Michelle and Alex had planned, the studio. After all, they were partners.

5 comments:

  1. commenter #4: Taffy Hui

    This story was really well written with good organization and stucture. There were some areas where it was questionable and maybe need to be rewritten such as when the guy in black shot michelle and not Alex. I had to ask you exactly what happened during that time, but if I was not to ask you about your story, I would assume that the strange man just pushed Alex and decided to just shoot Michelle instead of Alex. I know now that Michelle saves Alex by pushing her away and taking the bullet for Alex, so that needs to be explained clearer. You might also want to change the environment at that time becuase I am sure most people don't die out of random reasons like that unless there is some crazy guy that wanted to kill a couple of people before they kill themseleves so they would be in a semi croweded environment. The second big thing that might need to be reweritten is probably the part when they took Michelle away and Alex home. In real life, they would normally take Alex to the paramedics or the hospital to get a check up, so she would have future probelms. At the same moment or right after they would be asking her questions about the murderer and what was going on at the time Michelle got shot. Other than that, the voice of the story was really stirght forward, evidence of the story was just enough, organization and stucture of the story was well done. The cliffhanger was a little bit iffy because it connects to the shooting that might need to be changed and it shows exactly who your audience is.
    -Taffy Hui

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  2. The structure of the story was well written. You organized your events pretty good. You started off with background information about Alex and then told us her story. You did a good job emphasizing how much art and music means to Alex. I like how you included that quote that her favorite uncle told her “Never stop playing” and then repeated it again at the end when Michelle dies. That tied your story together and made it stronger. I do feel as if you could have elaborated more on the ending before Michelle dies. Maybe talk a little bit more about how dangerous her neighborhood is and why she’s always at school. Michelle became one of the main characters at the end so it would have been good to talk about her history as well. Other than that you had me hooked. I wanted to keep reading to see how Michelle and Alex pursued their dreams, Sadly, Michelle died but it was good to see that Alex wasn’t going to give up. As for the cliffhanger I feel like you should have given it a twist because I kind of knew how the story was going to end. It’s good to surprise the reader and have them wondering what’ll happen next.

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  3. Just like the other two comments I fell in love with your story. It had perfect structure and it was very well written. In this story I actually felt like I was there. Not only that but I love how you used very good imagry with the character. For example how you completely described the main character in full detail, becuase of that I got to really get in depth wit the main characters issues and conflicts. the only issue I had was there were to many charcters at one time and it wasnt clear on who said what and who actually said it. I also think that you only described the main charcter in full depth but not as much as the other ones.Its important to give a clear mental image of whats going on and where its happenen rather then just a place. I agree with the first reader the cliffhanger was a little to fast and could be worked on a littl. Lastly give a stronger connection with the shooter and the conflict around that as well as a very good image of the shooting.

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  4. Bryana you did a great job in structuring and organizing your narrative story together. In the beginning of the story I loved how you really elaborated on your character Alex. Bryana I noticed that your story had a great story line and did not leave anything unsaid for the reader to become confused. It was really easy to follow through your story. You give great details of what kind of person Alex is and where she comes from. Each character in your story was explained carefully so that the reader recognized who played what role in your story. You did a great job in using the best word choice to describe all your characters. I also saw that you did not only focus on Alex but the other characters as well. I could tell that you were really passionate when it came to writing your story because it appealed many emotions. However, I did notice that in the end you make the reader think that the story will end a certain way. It does leave the reader thinking what will happen next and that’s a good thing. Overall, I love the message you gave to the story about Alex finding the strength to fulfill her dreams no matter what. I did notice a couple of run-off sentences, so you may want to look that over but overall you did an amazing job.

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  5. please make sure that your list of sources are included for project space

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